I figured it all out at the kitchen sink

I am standing at the kitchen sink. Nafiseh says, ‘Put them in the dishwasher, there are too many.’ But for the first time, I want to scrub them one by one, cover them in foam, and rinse them. I want to make it last as long as possible. No, of course, I haven’t lost my mind. It all goes back to a saucer I picked up to wash just before Nafiseh’s suggestion. As is my habit, I poured a ton of dish soap onto the sponge—I always use much more than necessary—scrubbed the saucer quickly and firmly, and turned on the tap to rinse it. At that moment, I saw something I had never noticed before, and a big question formed in my mind: Why was this my way of dealing with dirty things? Why—as they say—had I never ‘put my heart’ into cleaning the dishes? It’s the same with my room. It would always get so messy and cluttered that it became unlivable, and I would only do the bare minimum just so I could sleep. Eventually, my mother would come and clean the whole room; even then, I was in a rush for her to finish. I would nag her, ‘You don’t need to wipe that spot for a whole hour, just wipe it once and move on, it’ll get clean.’ And it truly would get clean. This saucer, too, got clean exactly that way. Every dish I’ve ever washed in my life has gotten clean. But that wasn’t the point. Nafiseh said, ‘Fine, wash them.’ I thought to myself: ‘My excessive use of dish soap is a way to compensate for the rush I put into washing. But it’s not just about the dishes. It’s not about the room either. And it’s not just the soap I overconsume. Some of my very dirty clothes, even some of my belongings—instead of washing and cleaning them, I would just throw them away. Yes, if these dishes were entirely my own, I might have thrown many of them out and bought new ones. No, not might—I’m certain I would have done that.’ Always, whether on the rare occasions I helped my mother with the dishes or when helping Nafiseh, I would leave the sink itself unwashed, saying, ‘I’m truly exhausted now.’ Thinking about it now, I wasn’t exhausted. I just couldn’t endure it.